A little list I call "My Bucket List"

So a Bucket List is that list of things I really will love to accomplish before I die... It's that too much to ask?

Before my 30th birthday…
1.Go Skydiving
2.Go on a cruise ship across the Caribbean
3.Play gotcha with friends
4.Go on a romantic getaway with my love one.
5.Get 2 more tattoos

• One matching tattoo with my twin sis

6.Learn to play guitar
7.Go to Holocaust Museum
8.Go to a strip club
9.Travel to those magical places with my love one

Before I kick the bucket!
1.Go to Europe specially to:

• Italy
• France
• Spain
• London 
• Ireland
• Greece
• Germany
• Holland
• Poland 

2. Go see this people live in concert:

• Madonna
• Justin Timberlake
• Celine Dion
• P!nk
• Rihanna

3. Go to a Safari

4. Go to Africa and Egypt

5. Be a publish author

6. Visit all of the Disney park in the world

7. Meet Ricky Martin

8. Meet Diane Disney

9. Spend new year’s eve on Time Square

• and kiss my love one in front of everybody when the clock hits midnight

10. Kiss someone under and over the Eiffel Tower

11. Go on a cruise ship across the Mediterranean

12. spend a week in Louvre

13. Go see this magical places: 

• The Catacombs
• The Coliseum
• Niagara Falls
• Greek Ruins
• Tomatina in Spain
• Sistine Chapel
• Moulin Rouge
• Rio Carnival

14. Smoke weed in Amsterdam with friends

15. Go to Brasil

Wishes

So... I'm now looking at the sky trying to catch a shooting star... or maybe then I'll buy a birthday cake... or maybe I'll find a genie lamp... come on you gotta give me something... something to hold onto... something that can give me a little ray of light... that tiny bit of hope...

I wish I have all the answers to her questions... or maybe a special bandage that could repair all the damage inside her... maybe in a cookie fortune... those little cookies with a weird note saying that everything its gonna be OK... because I don't know... don't know if that big cut bleeding inside you its going to stop...

Maybe big hands...or maybe if I was a doctor... maybe I could have a medicine that can cure a broken heart... those little things inside of us that keep us going... once they are broken there's no way back to be the person we were...

I feel so impotent... I wish I had the perfect words... the perfect gestures... the perfect... anything that can help you carry this huge burden... maybe that big shield big enough for the two of us to let all the sadness outside... like in the movies...

I wish I was a screenplay writer or director... that way I could give you that happy endings you are desperately looking for... Hollywood always fucked us... they always prepared us for those happy endings that never comes in real life...

But there's nothing... so I'll keep looking at the sky... watching airplanes pass by... buying birthday cakes and blowing at candles... looking everywhere for that genie lamp from Aladdin... keep watching my hands as they stay the same... keep reading hoping to find some words... looking for that shield knowing that it'll never work and watching stupid movies with those happy endings that end with a cruel "cut! its a wrap" at the 20th century fox... I can't give you the answers you need right know or the perfect words... but I can offer you company silence or forgettable laughter... comfort hugs and big kisses on your forehead to keep u calm...an arm that you can punch or hold when you need it... and the certainty that although you feel so lonely right now... there's a person in this world that isn't going to leave you alone and its looking everywhere for that little special moment where God grant me the honor to make my wish come true.

4/10/12

JRF

Nightmares...

La pesadilla es un transtorno del sueño. Actualmente se sabe que las pesadillas son provocadas por causas fisiológicas, tales como fiebre elevada, o por causas psicológicas, tales como un trauma inusual o estrés en la vida del durmiente. Los movimientos corporales ocasionales en las pesadillas pueden servir para despertar al durmiente, ayudando a evitar la sensación de miedo, que es uno de los componentes de las pesadillas. (Source: Wikipedia)

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Estaba en algun lugar en Bayamon... Un dia super soleado y claro, en la guagua nueva roja de Marla (que en vida real tiene un acura)... era la hora de almuerzo y nos desviamos en alguna salida del expreso mientras bajamos la salida veo que no hay mas carretera y el final es agua que (btw estaba super azul y clara) asi que terminamos dentro del agua. Lo primero que hago es quitar el seguro de la puerta porque fue lo que Angelito me enseño... dentro de mi sabia que no iba a poder abrir la puerta por la presión de agua. Marla dice: "vamos a esperar a tocar el fondo para tratar de scar la guagua acelerandola..." Comienzo a deseperarme pues el nivel del agua ya se ve en la ventana y mi unica salvacion se que es que la guagua no tiene power window y podria bajar el crital con la mano... ataque de panico... comienzo a sentir el ataque de panico y me falta el aire... Marla comienza a acelarar y veo la arena levantandose en el agua... siento el agua en mis pies... ya el agua entró a la guaua... Hector en el asiento de atras no dice nada... veo carros esperando por nosotros asi que me tranquilizo pq se que alguien va a tratar de salvarnos... Yo he vivido esto antes... otro sueño I guess.. Logramop salir del agua... le digo a Hector y a Marla que me den un break to catch my breath... estamos llenos de arenas y mojados... la sal molesta mis ojos... comenzamos a caminar en la cuesta que nos llevo al agua... Marla decide que es momento de bañarse... encuentro un sprinkler de agua... antes verifico si el agua es clara pq Janisse siempre dice que normalmente lo que sale es un babote... el agua es clara... asi que Hector y yo comenzamos a sacarnos la arena y la sal de nosotros... cuando vemos al lado Marla esta desvistiendose con verguenza ajena pq ya habia llegado mucha gente al lugar y era de noche... Hector se paraba frente a ella como si puediera evitar que la gente la viera mientras ella se bañaba pero no funcionaba... Fiesta Patronal... eso es lo que parecia el lugar... le digo que si ella no puede bañarse en su casa y me dice que no mientras vemos a un borracho mirandola mientras se baña... Hector logra sacar al viejo por una puerta que antes no estaba... super raro como cambian las cosas en los sueños...Luego Marla se viste y estamos ready para salir... en eso esta saliendo un mar de gente y entra nuevamente el borracho buscando a Marla... "No hagas contacto visual con el" le digo a ella mientras tratamos de escabullirnos entre el mar de gente... Hector logra salir primero y luego Marla no sin antes hacer contacto visual con el borracho el cual no realiza que es la chica que anda buscando pues ya no tiene la misma ropa de hace unos minutos atras...Marla salió... yo trato de salir pero me quedo pendiente al borracho y veo como el borracho se dobla para recoger algo del pico... era un panty olvidado por Marla... El dice: "con esto me conformo" y se lo mete a la boca... por alguna razon pienso que fisicamente se parece a Old Nick del libro "Room" y comento que meterse un panty a la boca debe ser un delito grave... Un futuro violador le comente a la señora del lado y logro salir... Fiesta patronal... no me gustan... mucha gente... peste... sudor... estoyu mojada con agua de sal... Hector y Marla ya no estan alli... Pense en comprarme una empanadilla pero se que me acoste con dolor de estomago... vuelvo a relaizar que es un sueño y que me duele el pecho del ataque de panico... Me doy media vuelta en la cama y estoy en una fiesta donde Ricky Martin es mi amigo... Now... That's my kind of dream...

Little by Little

It took me 5 years to get where we are now... to break down all your walls and see the real you... and you could see the real me without anyone judging. Spending time so you could trust me and I could trust you and see what we are made of... I feel like all of you walls are coming back up and I can't stop it... I wish I could...

All your life you've prove to everyone around you how strong you are... how you can deal with all your problems and even ours without crumbling down... you've shown us how powerful and convincing you are...

But little by little I've open a door in your heart... a door that not everyone have ever notice... but I did, and I saw a girl that sometimes gets scare... a girl that had been hurt... badly. Someone who wishes for the world and more and sometimes loves to be a child again...

And I feel privileged 'cause nobody has seen that.

But you gave me that chance...

So this is my promise... I'll try to repair everything that's been broken, I'll be by your side when you feel lonely, I'll give you my shoulder when you feel like crying and I'll pick you up when you feel like crumbling down... I'll be by your side whether you like it or not.

Please don't close that special door on me... like I said, It took me 5 years, various plays of Mamma Mia soundtrack, too many stupid jokes to even count them, some great and bad movies, long talks about nothing or about everything, awesome road trips and I can really keep going and the list would be endless... accept it, It's been a hell of a ride... and here we are, for better or worse stuck with each other.

If you close that door I have a special chainsaw to open it...

This is me and my promise, with my stupid joke, big dreams and lots of movies... who's not afraid of saying what's on my mind and to be proud of who you are and your friendship. The girl with big imagination and a fricking Walt Disney fan... The one that saw that special little door in your heart that everyone didn't...

JRF 6.13.2011

Plain Words

I've been thinking a whole day about what a friend really is. I don't understand how a word practically simple and a gesture that we've been exposed probably since I were a kid is so difficult (almost impossible) to put into words.

We must not confused company with friendship... A companion can cover that sense of loneliness, but will never relief the emptiness of a soul. I realized that some people go around their life looking for just one real friend and never find it... I guess I'm one of the lucky ones...

I found both of you when I was starting to believe that nothing was right... It wasn't fast or went from one day to another... It wasn't that easy. Maybe that's why I think we are so magical.

You've taught me that a friend can spend a whole day with you laughing till you cry or crying till you laugh. A friend can go from coast to coast with you until you find yourself. You can spend a whole day talking about nothing or stay silence feeling all of our tragedies. A friend can spend an entire day at work with you and still wants to makes plans in the afternoon with you to catch up on how was your day at work.

There isn't a guarantee that we will not hurt each other. We come from very different backgrounds... hearts gets easily broken... but i can promises that I'll try to repair everything everything broken... Hurt will always be knocking at our door but I'll never make you suffer.

We've known each other from some years now... and honestly our rides has had some bumps on the road... Most of it, it's been a really lovable time... those bumps have made me more human, have open my mind to the thought that we really aren't perfect but I think our friendship is really close to it.

We have laughed, cry, hugged, padded in our shoulders, hurt, been silence, hold our hands and I can keep going... and we are still loving each other... I can't imagine a live without both of you... Maybe today isn't as bright as we would love, maybe our hopes and dreams are falling down and are really close to crash to the floor. Maybe our hearts have more scars than 5 years ago, and maybe we aren't the same girls we were some time ago. But here we are loving the persons we were and amused by the awesomeness of woman we are now.

Life isn't perfect and neither are we. We must regroup and confide in each other. I'll love you both from here to the moon and that will never change....

Maybe I can't explain in plain word what a friend should be, but each time I try to put it into words everything that comes to mind is our relationship.

6/9/11

Una Noche...

Todo comenzó una noche... me sentía triste y sola, mi unico escape y en lo unico que pensaba era en la muerte. El unico recuerdo que tengo es el fino filo de un cuchillo deslizandose por mis brazos... Sentí un pequeño dolor... Ahora siento más dolor, tristeza y vacio por dentro, me siento más sola que nunca. No lo puedo creer, estoy muerta... tuve el valor de quitarme la vida. Ya no puedo salir a jugar, no puedo divertirme con mis amigos... Todos estan llorando, nadie lo puede creer, la niña feliz y juguetona en realidad tenia problemas y no pudo bregar con ellos.

Papi y mami lloran sin cesár. Mi hermanos no lo pueden creer, estan como en shock... yo tampoco lo puedo creer... Mi amigos me extrañan, mi enemigos tambien y me piden perdón, pero ya es tarde y tome la desicion más importante de mi vida sin pensarla... si estoy muerta y solo tengo 16 años...

Hoy se supone me graduara, no estoy ahi pues estoy muerta. Todos recogen sus diplomas, algunos me recuerdan, otros ya ni eso. Quisiera estar ahi para probarle a mis amigos que si podía, pero no pude pues me sentia sola. Un te quiero hubiera bastado para detener la desgracia...

Extraño la vida, extraño reir... Dios mia perdoname por este error, amigos lamento no poder estar con ustdes para disfrutar sus triunfos y sufrir y ayudarle con sus derrotas, pero ya no podia mas...

Los extraño y este es el precio que he tenido que pagar... Solo quiero poder descansar en paz...

JRF
11/22/2000

Que no quiero... ya no tengo ganas....

Tratar de vivir toda una vida buscando una individualidad... que no encajo en el puto molde que deseas!!!!

Todos los dias sueño con una vida diferente, vida en la cual existan mundos llenos de dioses pequeño, lleno de esas personas que sean capaces de crear y crear... soñar y soñar... y nunca un mundo choque con otro, que nunca las ideas, sueños, deseos y anhelos mueran por colapsar una con otra...

Talvez asi no me doleria...

Maldita individualidad!!! creo que es un a utopia... porque mi mundo no puede ser el mismo que la gente ve...

Coño que no encajo porque talves no me interese encajar...que llevo toda mi vida luchando por aceptarme como soy mientras que pensaba que veias mas de lo que todo el mundo ve...!! tenis, risas... y hoy quieres que sea como ella...

25 años tratando!!!

Que no siempre me gusta el pelo lacio!!! que pense que mi puta inteligencia residia en mi mierda de cabeza y no en mis tenis...!!! Que en realidad no te has dado cuenta que llevo mas de 3 meses sin ponerme mahones... que siempre tengo sandalias en mi carro...

Que no tienes idea de que no quiero ser como mi hermana porque ella siempre gana... porque ella es la coqueta, la que no le falta los pretendientes, la que saca A's, la que se porta bien... y ya yo no quiero jugar a querer ser como ella... nunca gano... esa herida que pensaba habia superado, sanado obviado y olvidado aun esta ahi... presente y latente...

Cai de rodillas y volvi a subir... golpe bajo y vuelvo a caer... que no quiero crecer coño!!! que ya realizo que la vida que soñaba era solo en peliculas y esa pelicula en la que el underdog gana solo es de la 20th century fox...

Que vendre de tacones si es lo que deseas y sere mas como ella si me lo pides... ya no quiero luchar mas... ya no tengo ganas...

4/30/2010 6:45pm