viernes, 11 de septiembre de 2009

Something Really Messed Up...


Si la ensalada que te estas comiendo tiene la posibilidad de estar 1% envenenada, aun asi te la comerias???”


I’m wondering why the hell I feel like I’m breaking into pieces… I’m the one that it is supposed to be the happy one, the talented one, or the funny one… I just don’t feel that I fit into any of these categories anymore. I’m the kind of person that it’s expecting the bad things, so when the good thing happens I don’t get disappointed, the kind of person that feels good when she’s alone and no one bother her mind with things that she don’t really care about, the one that don’t wanna talk to people because she don’t have time for that kinds of things… and the list keep going and going…


When I became that person???!!! When I left the cute little girl with curly hair in a corner and became this bitch that love loneliness. My days are wasted in my work… a work that I love don’t get me wrong, but now I keep looking for reasons not to let go. Maybe I’m spent, maybe I just used all of my resources to keep going, and now I’m spent. All nights I say… “Tomorrow… tomorrow will be a better day, tomorrow will be the day that the sun will shine again” but next day when I see the sky, it’s still grey…


Sometimes I feel lonely… but time made me realized that loneliness hurt less than stupid people that keep fucking me up. But I have to be the bigger person, I always have to be the bigger person… that’s what I’ve been teach… since I was a little girl, my parents taught me that sometimes you have to lose to win something. But I’m tired, and I just wanna lay down and not wake up in some days, just rest my eyes and not worry if my ad in the newspaper didn’t came out right, not worry if my the billboard in some avenue isn’t working, not worry if the beta for the tv buy that begins on Monday will be in the channels on time or even stop worrying if I’d be to tired too spend my classical Friday nights with friends… I think I feel this way just because people for some reason think that I’ll always do the right thing… and that’s when the fear start just because I feel that I can’t let people down at least not the people that I really love.


I keep breathing and breathing and asking God for more patience… because I can’t tell anyone about how I’m feeling or how sometimes I think I can’t go on… what would my parents think??? What would my friends think??? They would tell me: “come on there are people worst situations”… and maybe they are right, but I don’t really care, and that’s the problem. The only thing I need is someone that can tell me: “you know what, you are right this world sucks…” or even maybe tell that I have good reasons on being tired, that people are mean, and when they say stupid things it’s ok to cry, or to get mad. Or even give the benefit of a doubt when I say that I just had the worst day ever. Don’t tell me that you can win me… come one give me just one day in the worst day ever awards.


That’s why I write only when I’m mad because paper can be a really good listener. He can take whatever I have to say… I don’t get answers back, just because sometimes, and in some specific situations people don’t need answers, or nice words or counseling. Sometimes people just need someone to just listen and say “wow right now your world sucks… but I’m here to hate the world by your side. Maybe this way, with 2 people hating the same things and talking about how much the world sucks… some laughs will come along”


And like an act of magic, I just found the answers that I was looking for…


9/10/2009

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